Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Horace Hyena Assumes Control of the Royal Joke Collection


Note: This tale comes from Bribem Beaver Logs On, 

an e-book for grown-ups and older kids, available from

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004YYM1NC

Or http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/78523

1. Horace Hyena Assumes Control of the Royal Joke Collection

King Leo asked the Senate for a volunteer to take over his favorite department, the Royal Joke Collection. (He didn't know that the populace also referred to his three sons as "the Royal Joke Collection.")
The Collection contained most of his favorite jokes; whenever anyone in the kingdom wanted to publish, or even just tell, a new joke, the Official Jokeeper had to approve the addition to the repertoire. In fact, even to tell an existing joke, the would-be comedian had to sign it out. Since only one copy could be signed out at a time, most jokers made a practice of hoarding several jokes, so they wouldn't be caught short. The Jokeeper had to keep a sharp eye out for hoarders, and the position was usually a one-year appointment because this hoarder-policing challenge wore people out. The Jokeeper also tended to lose his or her sense of humor after about a year.
When Leo made his request for joke collection help, several Senators had to hide their smirks and guffaws behind their paws, as they thought about the three royal-joke princes. No one volunteered. Finally, Ralph Rooster mounted the speaker's perch and nominated Horace Hyena. "He laughs all the time, anyway," Ralph reasoned. "He'd be a natural."
"I do not laugh, that's a malicious myth, as you well know," Horace snarled. Then he cleared his throat and continued, "My so-called laugh is my unique way of barking, as you also well know."
"So do you want to become the Jokeeper or not?" Ralph asked.
"What's the salary again?"
"Negotiable."
"Negotiable. All right, I want three carcasses, one hundred thirty pounds each, per day, one for me and my wife, and two for my kids."
"Carcasses!" exclaimed Ralph, scratching his neck with a claw. "I don't know whether Leo is going to approve three per day. Nor where he'll get em if he does."
"Not my problem," Horace growled. "Three a day."
When Ralph told Leo about Horace's demand, Leo snarled, pawed, snarled again, frowned, and muttered something about high-handed Horace Hyena. "All right," he said finally, "but my three sons are going to pick out three convicts to be executed each day and handed over to this joker."
So Horace Hyena became Jokeeper. But Leo's sons were so despised by the populace that people rose up in rebellion at the idea that Leo's sons would supply meals to the Hyena family. The people seized the three sons, hung them by their belts, and fed them to Horace and his family. (The people almost hung Leo for good measure, but spared him when he threatened to eliminate all references to "the people" from his memoirs.)
Then they set up a democratic government, which has shared power and remained in force to this day. Because almost everything in a democracy has its ridiculous side, the position of Jokeeper has been eliminated as no longer necessary. and the role has been distributed among legislators, lobbyists and others of that ilk.

Moral:
Any king must curb his bent
To delegate to incompetent
Kin and other sycophants,
Lest the lot get hung by the belt of their pants.

Comment
A few days ago I was feeling I had failed to include enough of the dark side of life in this collection. I had forgotten this tale, which seems dark enough. As a psychiatrist, I'm struck by this rapid dispensing of mob justice and lack of due process.  Also, I wonder whether Horace knew where this meal came from?
You might think King Leo will appear in many of these stories, but he does not. Is this because royalty has become rather irrelevant in the 21st Century? Or have I ignored him because of unresolved Oedipal issues?
One last historical note: I wrote this story long before the 2011 uprisings in the Middle East.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

New text for the Kindle listing...

Got morals?
No?
Just ran out?
Buy my e-book, at this link
Bribem Beaver Logs On
&
Never run out of morals again!!!


For the absurdly low price of $4.99
you instantly acquire 50 e-morals!
That's less than 10 cents per moral!!!

And… at no extra charge,
I'll throw in 50 e-fables!!!


Click here for free sample


Next time someone says you've no morals,
Send em this link to Bribem Beaver Logs On.
The e-book everyone's talking about!
You'll find
Bribem Beaver!
Ollie and Olga Owl!
Belinda Blackwidow!
AND… Many other creatures, including…
The Fabulist!
Who shows up
In the Green Room
When he needs
Critters for his e-tales.

And coming in a few days,
Bribem Beaver Gives a Dam
Another fifty tales with morals.
Buy both books and you'll have
More morals than
You know what to do with!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Bribem Beaver Logs On: Tales For The Post-Internet Age

Finally!
Bribem Beaver Logs On: Tales For The Post-Internet Age is a Kindle e-book!
I had to chase him for months, but I finally caught up with him. He agreed to go to press and the result is described in this blurb:


 My contact information: wrbftaylor1@comcast.net.
In these fifty animal tales for adults, we struggle to keep up with Ollie and Olga Owl, Bribem Beaver, Alicia Aardvark and many other animals.
These critters hang out in the Green Room, where they wait for a human called The Fabulist to come by and recruit the animals he needs for his latest tale. Off they go, to act in the story, returning to the Green Room when they're finished.
      After a while, the animals form a collective bargaining group, aiming to wrest royalties from The Fabulist for sales of stories in which they star.
Here's a list of the titles of the first ten of the fifty stories in Bribem Beaver Logs On

Story Titles (First ten of fifty)
1. Horace Hyena Assumes Control of the Royal Joke Collection
2. Gus Gorilla's Loss of Self
3. Bob Beaver's College Mixers     
4. Rhonda Raccoon's Dream of Eliminating the Hanta Virus
5. Bribem Beaver Logs On     
6. Ants, Grasshoppers, and the Enlightened Farmer     
7. Frederick Fox, Prisoner, and a Bird     
8. Vinyl Chimpz
9. Belinda Beaver's Insight
10. Two Existentialist Frog Professors   
  
       
 
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Bribem and The Fabulist Both Got Distracted

I finally heard from Bribem, who had been tied up delivering mail for the Postal Service over the holidays. (The Fabulist had also gotten tied up with several distractions.) Here's his message:
Never again! The US Postal Service is a confusing place to work around the holidays. First I had to convince them that I not only speak English but also read it. Then they needed to check my driving abilities. Those trucks are not paw-adapted, but I managed. Then there are the customers: Where's my LL Bean order? I needed it by yesterday! And on and on. If I never see another LL Bean sack it will be too soon.
But I made it through, and earned enough to begin buying cement for the spring repairs to the dam and lodge. And the kids could boast to their classmates that Daddy has a job for the US Government. (Though I guess technically the PO is no longer part of the government.)
So I may finally be able to visit The Fabulist, if he isn't too tied up with whatever project he got sidetracked by back in mid-December.
He apparently got so distracted he didn't even add to that free sample site for several weeks. I suspect he's planning to start selling some of our stories and doesn't want to give too many away.
We'll see.
Regards,
Bribem Beaver, USPS, (retired) 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Bribem's a temp at the post office.

We were on the road, out of touch with Bribem and all the other fable characters hanging out in the Green Room. I found a note pinned to the door when we returned.

To The Fabulist:
I have gotten tired of waiting for you, and will be unavailable until the New Year, having taken a temp job in the Post Office.
Who else but Bribem Beaver could tackle that notorious holiday log jam?

So what do I do? I'll think about putting up another fable over on that Google Docs site I've started to use. Maybe tomorrow.
If I don't get a temp job at the post office.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

You Won't Believe...

     You won't believe this: Bribem texted to apologize for another delay. Protective Services is sending a caseworker to inspect the bed of cut branches his pups are sleeping on. One of the pups the called the caseworker to complain about wood ticks.
     So I went ahead and put up another tale, on Google Docs. Here's the address
Ants, Grasshoppers, and the Enlightened Farmer - Google Docs
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YXZVCZfr4Qn5oEeKmmkip1Gh8xGR-iO68bY3yWfA9KI/edit?pli=1#Ants, Grasshoppers, and the Enlightened Farmer

By the way, I believe if you "follow" this blog, you'll get a notice when there's a new post. 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Bribem Tied up by the Building Inspector and Corps of Engineers

      I really thought we'd see Bribem today. But he phoned while I was out. Here's his message: 
      "Damn dam needs to be passed by building inspector. Can't come today. And the stream drains to the Atlantic Ocean, which means Corps of Engineers (Army) have to check it out. Will call when free."
     So while we wait for Bribem to get his life back, I'll print another of the fables from the 70's.
     But I had so much trouble uploading Word docs to here that I'll just put in a link to a Google Docs site where you can read them from now on.
     The title is "Reg Fox and the Scab Grapes."
https://docs.google.com/document/edit?id=1q9YeJX1MV6jJ2oiburM1uFtS3xDH9DTD5PVJBvAk6ZY&hl=en#
     That Google site should be accessible, even though it's "https."